Killing stupid people is lots of fun, if you’re a sick psychopath that is. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as the justice system, and it tends to go after you if it notices you’re killing people. But don’t worry, there is a solution to this, and it’s very simple… Outsmart the justice system. I’ll show you how it can be done, and how you can get a high score in the dystopian nightmare that is our modern Western civilisation.
Find something that is dangerous, but is not yet illegal. “How do I find something that is dangerous but not yet illegal?” You may wonder. Luckily for you, this is very simple. ‘Independent’ scientists are constantly looking for things that are killing people, because they’re born with a conscience and would like to save some lives. Look at their discoveries, and put your money into whatever it is that they are worried about. Let’s say they discovered that microwave radiation is dangerous. Invest in microwave technology, and fund studies that pretend that everything is safe. This allows you to buy time before your technology is banned due to public outrage.
Step 2 is for the real geniuses amongst you. It’s one thing to just kill people. It’s another to get paid by the people you are killing, but if you’re really clever, you can make your weapon mandatory, whilst getting paid to kill people. Vaccines are one example. Another is fluorescent lightbulbs. You come up with the idea to ban traditional lightbulbs, thus forcing people to buy fluorescent light-bulbs. How do you get people to ban traditional lightbulbs? That’s easy. Look for something that they all have an irrational fear of. A good example would be terrorism. Tell them that traditional lightbulbs can be used to build home-made bombs. If nobody buys that, tell them instead that you can stop global warming by banning traditional lightbulbs.
So how the hell do I kill people with fluorescent lightbulbs? Encourage them to snort up the mercury? That would be one way, but my suggestion to you is to be patient. A study from 1982 found that exposure to fluorescent lighting at work was associated with a 2.1 relative risk of malignant melanoma, aka deadly skin cancer. In those exposed more than 10 years, the risk becomes massive. Note, this is 1982, when fluorescent lighting was still relatively rare. How many people have died from skin cancer since then whose deaths could have been prevented? Countless numbers without a doubt, so what we do now is sell our lightbulbs and wait while we get rich.
Skin cancer deaths are increasing, people are beginning to get worried, and are looking for a scapegoat. Our plan is succeeding. You may be a little disappointed. Perhaps you say “I’ve been selling lightbulbs for 10 years, spent millions to get the traditional lightbulbs banned, and still my body count hasn’t reached 6 digits yet!” Well, don’t worry just yet, because now your body count will definitely go up. The reason is that we’re now going to blame something healthy for the deaths that we caused. Imagine if asbestos companies came out when it was discovered it causes mesothelioma and said “mesothelioma is caused by eating fruit!”. They would manage to kill far more people by just telling them a lie than by selling them something deadly. Well, this is what we are going to do too! Your body makes a hormone in response to exposure to sunlight, and the hormone is called vitamin D. It has many beneficial effects, but one of the main effects is that it prevents cancer. You can also get vitamin D in pill form. In studies where women were given vitamin D, they had a 77% reduced risk of getting cancer.
In other words, if you can make people deficient in vitamin D, you can make them get cancer. And how do we make them deficient? Easy, we have to keep them out of the sun! Remember that skin cancer epidemic we created? That’s going to come in very handy for the next step in our plan! What we are going to do now is tell people that the reason that they are now all getting skin cancer is not from our Fluorescent lightbulbs, but because they sit around in the sun all day!
But won’t this mean we actually save lives? Well, let’s look at the facts. Each year more than 2,500 people die from skin cancer in the UK. Sounds like a lot? Well, it’s not when we look at the total amount of cancer deaths. In 2016, there were more than 166,000 cancer deaths in the UK. But actually most of the skin cancer deaths, almost 2,000 each year, are from malignant melanoma.
These skin cancer deaths are probably not caused by the sun. How do I know this? Swedish scientists did a study comparing people who work in the office, indoors but not in an office, and people who work outdoors. This is what they found. They found 1,364 cases of malignant melanoma in office workers, compared to an expected 1,043. In indoor, non-office workers, they found 2,426 cases versus an expected number of 2,583. But here’s the best part: In outdoor workers they found only 916 cases versus an expected number of 1,065! The people exposed to sunlight the most had a lower risk than the people not exposed to sunlight. Another study found that melanoma is more common on covered parts of the body than on those exposed to the sun.
So let’s scrap the melanoma deaths. That leaves us with 500 skin cancer deaths per year in the UK, compared to a total number of cancer deaths of 166.000. That’s about a sixth of the number of people that die in the UK every year from road accidents. But it gets even better. About 193,000 people die every year in the UK from cardiovascular disease. And vitamin D deficiency also raises the risk of cardiovascular disease. It also reduces your risk of Diabetes. I think you get the point… If we can convince people to stay out of the sun, we can cause mass slaughter!
Here’s what we do. We set up a campaign to “prevent” skin cancer, by telling people to stay out of the sun or if they have to be in the sun, cover their exposed skin with factor 50 sun block, which will in effect, do the same job. It’s very easy. We just have to start it. We start raising the alarm about an increase in skin cancer. Society will do much of the work for us. They’ll rally behind our goal, because they’re scared. Doctors will tell their patients with a tan to stop going to the beach everyday. Mothers will keep their children inside, to watch TV and eat fast food instead of going outside where the sun will kill them. They’re so stupid, I promise you they’ll swallow our story! Before you know, you’ll have campaigns like these everywhere!
But of course not everyone can be convinced to stay out of the sun. There’s a solution for that. We tell them that if they have to go outside, they should apply sunblock. The type of radiation that creates vitamin D is within the UV-B wavelength. However, humans will still want to get their tan. Thus, we can’t block all radiation. But by now we’ve scammed them so much, let’s scam them a little more! Let’s sell them sunblock that blocks UV-B, but does not block UV-A! We will tell them that UV-B causes skin cancer, when in fact it’s mostly UV-A that’s responsible!
By now there are not many mass murderers left who can compete with our body count. Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Stalin – all mere amateurs! But we haven’t even started yet. People now avoid the sun, and thus stay more inside, where they are exposed to the fluorescent lighting we installed in their homes. Many places leave fluorescent lighting on despite the fact that it’s the middle of the day. Thus, skin cancer deaths keep going up! Because people are now vitamin D deficient thanks to us, heart disease and diabetes and cancer in general are going up too! This is where most of our score comes from. But, people are catching on. They are telling us “I’ve avoided the sun for the past 20 years but now I’ve got melanoma, and my stupid sister who goes to the beach everyday is fine, what’s going on here?” Now we tell them our next scam. We tell them that it’s already too late. They had sunburn as a kid, and now they’re destined to die from skin cancer. They will simply have to accept their fate.
We will tell them to please, please think of their children. Don’t let them play outside, they might start to enjoy their existence on this planet, and we can’t risk that. Keep your children inside at all costs. Let them play FIFA 2018 instead of real football. Let them watch the Discovery channel so that they will realise that this is for their own good and keep them restricted. If they get depressed, give them Prozac. If they have too much energy, it’s not because they’re not free to roam, it’s because they are sick, and their sickness is called ADHD. You can cure it by growing your son a pair of breasts through the use of Ritalin and other such ‘wonder-drugs’. We will tell them that peer-reviewed double-blind super-scientific studies done by people with IQs a thousand times higher than theirs have shown that growing your son breasts cures his ADHD. If they disagree, we will call them right-wing populist scientifically illiterate demagogic conspiracy theorists. While they’re busy trying to figure out what that means, we’re off to a banana-republic that doesn’t have an extradition treaty.
We can do this, you and me. Give me a call.
(with acknowledgements to the late, great David McGowan)