The deadly athletes foot pandemic (which starts with ‘pan’ rather than ‘epi’ and is thus much more scary) that has cut a swathe of carnage throughout the civilised world and may already have claimed a billion lives, looks set to claim several gazillion more according to recent discoveries by totally believable scientists.
Officials representing Big Pharma and other, similar humanitarian and charitable organisations such as the Gates Foundation, the CDC and the WHO have ordered governments to take urgent action as the pandemic shows no sign of abating. It may in fact present a bigger threat to ‘Life As We Know It,’ than any of the previous pandemics that infected literally tens of people worldwide, such as Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Ebola, and covid and brought common sense to a complete standstill.
A scientific team working for the pharmaceutical giant BCI (Benevolent Chemicals Inc) and therefore totally unbiased, made the shock discovery whilst researching how to find a use for existing vaccines that might otherwise be wasted and threaten the pharmaceutical industry with the nightmare scenario of having manufactured a product from which it is unable to profit.
Hitherto, athletes foot had never been considered particularly deadly except in rare cases of people who have more than two feet, but it is now known that it is caused by a variety of fungi all belonging to a sinister, highly infectious, and highly mutable group called dermatophytes.
Dermatophytes are now believed to be the most dangerous fungi in the universe. Totally genuine research has determined that they may have killed more than five billion people since history began. Officially dubbed a ‘Huge Scary Threat’ by the government pursuant to instructions from a number of charitable bodies such as RIGHT (the Rothschild Institute for Global Hysteria and Terror) and HOAX (Help an Aged Oligarch eXterminate you), dermatophyte fungi were found in the feet of one in three of the corpses examined by scientists at a New York mortuary. As nearly three million people die in the US every year this proves that athlete’s foot is now linked to at least a million deaths a year in the US alone.
It explains too why athlete’s foot escaped attention for so long because, whilst the cause of death of one in three people appeared at first glance to be a variety of things such as pneumonia, leprosy, heart attacks, getting shot, being run over by a bus etc., it is now believed after intensive scientific research by people who know far more than you about these things, that these were merely complications brought on by the deadly dermatophyte infection.
It is believed that once dermatophytes take up residence in the human foot, it disables the immune system even more effectively than vaccines, thus rendering the human body defenceless in the face of attacks by hostile agents such as viruses, junk food, the pharmaceutical industry, Bill Gates, Boris Johnson, and other deadly killers.
The statistical evidence, in so far as dermatophytes were also found on the corpses of one in three people who died from falling out of windows, getting shot, working with glyphosate, or being vaccinated, also proves that the infection makes people accident prone.
Further horrific revelations also show that athlete’s foot, found to be thriving in the toes of many suicide victims, politicians, bankers, bribed scientists, and other similarly deranged people, causes severe mental illness. UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson and other beneficiaries of the Gates’ billions, having studied the scientific findings for more than three minutes, announced jubilantly this week that preparations are now being made to forcibly isolate up to one million athlete’s foot victims in specially designated internment camps, as they ‘present a clear and present danger’ not only to themselves but to all normal people such as psychiatrists, politicians, arms and drug dealers and corporate oligarchs, everywhere.
National security agencies, alerted to the threat, are now exploring the links between athlete’s foot and terrorism. It is known for example, that before he was killed and dumped in the sea to save the public the cost of an embarrassing trial that would have revealed the real truth of 9/11 to the world, the infamous terrorist leader and Homeland Security asset, Osama Bin Laden, once complained of severely itchy feet to a close confidant.
It is also believed now, that crazy conspiracy theorists are deliberately spreading deadly athletes foot and that the pandemic may be the result of a plot by these domestic terrorists (who are already suspected of being to blame for everything else, such as the national debt, government corruption, corporate lawlessness, banking scams, unemployment, autism, media disinformation, 9/11, and the Irish potato famine etc., and not Vladimir Putin or China as was previously believed) to smuggle this deadly biological warfare agent into the country cunningly hidden between their toes.
But just when it seemed that the human race was doomed, Benevolent Chemicals Inc, has come to the rescue in the form of a new vaccine, Necro-con™, which by an amazing coincidence had been just sitting right there in their fridge for three years as no-one had yet found a profitable market for it, but which it just so happens is really, really good at preventing athlete’s foot.
Anti-vaxxers, athlete’s foot deniers™ and other terrorist groups who should be brutally exterminated without trial, point out that Necro-con™ contains highly toxic aluminium, mercury, human embryos, aardvark semen, antifreeze, DNA altering chemicals and bat faeces and has been linked to autism, cancer, and sudden death, but really, really genuine scientists and definitely not totally made-up ones, point out that the risks are definitely outweighed by the benefits. For example, a child injected with a whole series of the Necro-con™ vaccine in its first year of life will possibly have a much reduced chance of dying from athlete’s foot or its many, many serious complications.
During Necro-con™ trials, of the many thousands of children under twelve who inexplicably died or became inexplicably ill or autistic, less than one percent were found to have athlete’s foot, thus proving its efficacy beyond all reasonable doubt.
As a result of these successful trials, Necro-con™ vaccination is now expected to become mandatory in the UK, USA, Canada, Australia, and many other countries in favour of population culling, later this year.
So please be alert and do not worry unduly, but if you do suffer from itchy feet, the WHO advises that you should not forget that you are in imminent danger of sudden death.